Monday 10 October 2016

Inside My Head

Call me naive or massively behind but I only just learned recently that there was such a day as 'Mental Health Day'.

But I think it's a great thing to be aware of; you don't need me to tell you how mental health can affect people in the worst possible way - more so than I can even begin to imagine. I am relieved I don't suffer anywhere as badly as others do.

But I thought now would be a good time to let you inside my head as, although it probably doesn't come as close to what other people have to deal with, it does get me really down at the worst of times. This is because I overthink - a bloody lot!

This happens every single day even though I can do a very good job of hiding it. There's a suggestion that women can overthink more so than men but (and yes everyone who overthinks can say this) I can give a lot of them a good run for their money. When I say I overthink a lot, I mean often little details in life - sometimes to a pathetic degree.

To give one example of this; if I am having a conversation with somebody I am always overthinking about potential outcomes to any response I come out with. If I respond with one answer, I think the conversation will go a certain way likewise if I respond with a different answer, I am worried it'll go a different way to the point where I wish I'd kept my mouth shut! Yep, I know. That is sad.


That's just one example. Here's another one...

I'm very selective about who I associate myself with because I overthink about what scenarios could happen in any given conversation. Another way in which I overthink is what people make of me. I suppose a big part of this is because I was bullied at school & obviously people would've probably thought of me as a target or some sort of loser (thankfully that's in the past now though).

I will mention in this that I have a mild case of Aspergers Syndrome (I deliberately stood this paragraph out on its own so it wouldn't be missed), which I suspect looking back on my time at school is probably why I never fit in with many people there. With the exception of a couple of friends I was relatively close to, I didn't hang out with anyone because I felt I either had nothing in common with anyone or wouldn't contribute to conversations or anyone's life in a meaningful way. To this day, I still overthink about that.

I want people to think of me in a positive light and I know caring what others think is very sad in some aspects but there's a reason for it. I always want to consider other people's opinions so that I'm not ignoring anyone. My pessimistic mind thinks that if someone is telling me something that I need to hear and I ignore it and go with my own thoughts instead, I may make a mistake and feel worse later. But as for others remembering or thinking of me in a good way, it's one reason I'm very selective on who I hang out with.

One stereotypical trait of people with Aspergers or Autism is the unwillingness to engage in social situations - and to a degree that is true although it is important to remember every one who has one of the two is different & individual not just part of stereotypical stats or theories. For me, I do find it difficult in new social situations although I don't feel it's because of my autism or Aspergers. It's more because every time I meet someone new I either go down the general topics of conversation (something which I hate doing) or I worry that I find nothing in common with them so therefore I have nothing meaningful to contribute.

Obviously if I meet someone new then I 'attempt' to be funny so that if nothing else I'll be remembered as someone who attempts to make people laugh. Sometimes it works and other times (more often than not) it fails like a slap in the face. No harm in trying right...?

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I hate awkward interactions or ones where I don't feel a vibe with someone. If I'm talking to someone and the flow of the conversation in question is natural then I feel like I'm contributing something to someone's life in a good way. If I have done so, then I feel like I belong and that puts my overthinking mind at rest. Positive thoughts right.

Heck, even football does that for me. I know not everyone is into football but I feel like I belong to a community of football fans as many of us (for some reason) love to watch Sunderland cock up in the most inconceivable fashion. In despair at my team, I do feel like I'm contributing something whether via a conversation or opinions on Sunderland.

I guess I overthinking about positively contributing to people's lives comes from wanting to be wanted, loved or I just want to feel like I belong. That's something I know lots of people desire in life.

So I've tended to overthink about lots of different things and I've found it easier talking about it through a blog rather than talking about it verbally because I can organise my thoughts in a somewhat organised manner. If I'm attempting to talk about it I'm worried I'll end up sounding like an idiot. Another thing is I tend to be very harsh on myself and overthink about what I should be doing better. You what they say... sometimes you're your own harshest critic.

I also overthink about talking to someone about it all because I feel like I'm burdening them with my own problems. Sounds stupid I know but I've kind of grown used to it by now considering I'm a quarter of a century old!

That's a reason why I love things like Marvel movies, Star Wars, Harry Potter and even watching old episodes of Thomas the Tank Engine (we never grow up, we just learn how to act in public!) because when life gets a little bit too much I like to escape to alternative worlds and ignore real life for a while. I find it brings me comfort, as I'm sure it will do for many other people.

To bring this long old blog to a close, I'm quite lucky because I don't suffer from depression or anxiety and I am full of admiration for those who are able to find ways to deal with it on a regular basis. I have nothing but applause for them but I don't envy them at all!

So yes, this technically doesn't have much to do with World Mental Health Day but I figure it'd be a good (or appropriate) time to express my thoughts inside my head to you all as I've been (over)thinking about writing this blog for sometime now.

Thank you for taking the time to read me rambling on! Subscribe for feel free to watch my weekends being ruined by Sunderland A.F.C. every single week!

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